About five weeks ago, life at our house changed. Larry fell, which he tends to do once in awhile but until now those falls only gave him bruises and even swollen areas around joints but he recovered quickly, probably because he didn't remember he had fallen more than a few minutes so didn't know he should hurt. He also can't remember what it is like not to hurt so whatever "hurts" he has become normal to him.
But this "fall" was different. After trips to ER, Urgent Care, a doctor visit, a ct scan, blood work, and a colonoscopy we only know that he has a compression fracture in his back, and a few other normal issues for someone his age (actually he is better than many his age).
But something is wrong.
Now comes the hard part...change in what he can and can't do resulting in needing someone with him all the time. He is weaker, he falls much more easily, he gets up many more times at night to go to the bathroom and needs help each time, he is less alert, but he doesn't realize anything is different.
For me this means CHANGE of routine. I can't leave him with others because they can't be with him all the time, deep sleep at night has to be avoided for me, and most of the activities I was involved in before have been set aside.
And I liked the old normal. I liked to be able to go places, be involved, do things with others.
And then comes fear of the unknown....what lies ahead? Is this really our new normal? How can I make this work? How do I get some sleep?
Thinking about all of this wears me out....
Trying to figure out what is happening wears me out...
Planning what to do wears me out...
Worrying about all of it really wears me out.
In all of this I realize just how much I don't like change, the unknown, or being helpless.
Oh, I know what you are thinking... I'm thinking the same thing:
"This should be yet another time to really trust God."
"Trust God." Boy, hasn't God been teaching me how to trust for the last 36 years? Hasn't he taken me through lots of other trials to teach me who He is and how He provides and cares for us?
Of course He has and now comes another time, another chance to learn who He is. To watch for Him every single day and rest in His Steadfast Love and Faithfulness. But along with that comes my mind and the plans and control I want to have.
Glorious Ruin, "Every person suffers every single day of their life in some way."
One thing for sure....as I am home more...there is time to read more, pray more, write more, and enjoy the presence of my Savior without all the things "out there" to keep me busy.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." II Corinthians 4:16-18
The act of writing, of sharing the circumstances, the gifts and the graces planned and carried out by my Savior and God brings joy, peace, and contentment to know that He has my life in His hands. My prayer for those who read, who share in what I continue to learn each day, many times through my weakness, is that you will be encouraged to look for God's presence and grace in your life also.